The Terrible Twos and Threes And The Freaken Fours and Fives

DR SUSAN KRIEGLER

Is Your Toddler Driving You Crazy?

If you answered, “Yes!”, then congratulations, you’re a normal parent. The fact is that most toddler’s are difficult because they are entering a time in their life when they are trying to gain some independence. That’s not to say they don’t need discipline as well. Children may seem like they want to run loose, but they actually thrive on reinforcement whether be positive or negative. Keep the reinforcement positive and follow the ten guidelines below to help you keep your sanity when dealing with your toddler.

1. Keep them busy. There is nothing more scary than a bored toddler. Coloring, reading, painting, listening to music and dancing are just a few things they can do with or without you.

2. Get them outside. Even the weather is unappealing to you, there is nothing better to a toddler than jumping in puddles and getting dirty. Suck it up, Mom, and get out your rain boots! You don’t have to stay outside for hours, go out in twenty-minute intervals to make it more manageable for you.

3. Assign chores. It’s never too late for your child to learn responsibility, just don’t expect them to do it exactly like you would. Start with something simple like putting their dishes in the sink and build up to feeding the family pet.

4. Let them be. Sometimes children, just like adults, need alone time. If they are content to pick at their toes for ten minutes let them do it.

5. Listen. Treat your child as an equal member of the family. Acknowledge when they are talking, even if they are telling you the sky is blue. We all want to feel important.

6. Let them decide. A couple nights a week let your child decide what the family will have for dinner. Unless it’s something you’re allergic to, just go with it. One of our families best meals consisted of soy beans, olives, cheese and crackers, and hummus and carrots.

7. Cook together. There are so many things a child can do in the kitchen. Measure out the ingredients beforehand and allow them to mix, pour and even crack the eggs.

8. Play games. To a toddler almost anything can be considered a game. Write the letter ‘A’ on five different index cards and hide them in your living room. Have your toddler find them and reward them with a prize. They don’t know they’re learning, take advantage of that!

9. Laundry anyone? Who doesn’t like to stuff clothes in the washer and then in the dryer? It’s rare to find a toddler who won’t help with that.

10. Laugh…so that you don’t cry. There’s just some days when you can’t win. Realize that you’re child will grow out of this stage and you’ll never get it back. Appreciate even the most difficult times because soon they’ll be a teenager and will pretend they don’t know you.

The Spirited Child

Living with a toddler can be like sharing a house with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If your child is “spirited,” the toddler years can be especially trying.

What defines a spirited child? “All toddlers are busy: They’re climbing and jumping and throwing things,” says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of the popular books Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime. “But the highenergy kid is the one who can get to the top of the refrigerator. All toddlers say ‘no,’ too, but a spirited child’s ‘no’s!’ are louder and more frequent, his tantrums longer lasting and more intense. You gradually realize that as a parent you’re working harder than your neighbor, whose child is simply not as intense, persistent, and emphatic as yours. Your child is still normal, he’s just more of everything.”

Spirited kids are definitely a challenge, but there are ways to defuse daily battles and teach your toddler to learn to control himself. Here are Kurcinka’s top strategies:

Let him know what’s coming. All toddlers become anxious when they can’t predict what’s coming next, but most spirited children need events spelled out to a degree that you might not expect. When it’s time to leave the playground and your 2-year-old throws himself on the ground howling, it’s probably because he’s insecure about what’s coming next. Tell him in detail: You’ll go to the car, we’ll drive straight home, find Sis and Dad there, and have
spaghetti for dinner.

Remember that with toddlers, words aren’t always enough. You might tell him “Daddy will pick you up from daycare this afternoon,” for example, but he may well have trouble remembering it all day. In this case, you might ask his daycare provider to remind him later in the day that Daddy’s handling pick-up duties.

Sometimes visual cues can help. If Grandma and Grandpa are coming for an annual visit, show him photos ahead of time. You might even make a picture book outlining his bedtime ritual: bath, pajamas, story, bed. You can’t cut all the surprises out of your toddler’s life, of course, but you can minimize the stress by giving him a heads-up when you can.

Be clear and consistent. Spirited children need the security and consistency of clear rules, so it’s important to set limits. If nap time is always after lunch and your spirited 3-year-old puts up a fuss, be firm and confident as you enforce his rest period. If videos aren’t allowed after dinner but you let him watch “just this one” tonight so you can make a phone call, he’ll test you and demand one – forcefully – every night for the rest of the week.

Maintain physical contact. “As toddlers move toward independence, they still very much need connection,” says Kurcinka. Maybe your toddler would like a backrub before bed. Or he might enjoy cuddling with you in a rocking chair in the morning. Have him bring toys into your room so he can play near you while you dress for work. At daycare, sit with him on the floor until he moves into the group on his own.

These tactics may seem to slow you down initially, but they’ll actually save you time in avoided tantrums and battles. “Toddlers need to know they can trust you to be there for them. That way they’ll ultimately be more independent,” says Kurcinka.

Create a “yes” environment. “Me do!” are a toddler’s favorite words, says Kurcinka. Let your child pour his own juice out of a little pitcher, use a fork at dinner, and put on his own shoes. Even if everything is a little messier and takes a little longer, his increased independence and cooperation are worth it.

Also, look at how your house is organized. Is there a low cupboard in the kitchen filled with pots and plastic containers that he can play with? Are his toys and books easy to reach? Is there a bed, couch, or floor pillow that he’s allowed to jump on? The more child-friendly your home is, the less you’ll be fighting with him to keep away from special things and places.

Avoid danger spots. If your highly energetic child can’t sit still at the table, choose restaurants wisely – or plan a family picnic in the park instead. If he’s slow to adapt to new people, don’t plop him on Santa’s lap. Stay with him and approach Santa gradually – or wait until next year. And if you find yourself in an overly stimulating situation, such as a playmate’s big birthday party, don’t be shy about leaving early – before your toddler loses it.

Soothe his senses. Help your spirited child wind down when the intensity level starts to rise. Water can be especially soothing: Give him a warm bath on a cold night, put a cool washcloth on his forehead on a summer afternoon, or let him play with his rubber ducks in the kitchen sink while you’re cooking.

For older toddlers, finger paints and modeling clay are also calming sensory activities. For younger toddlers (under 2), it feels good to spread sand, cornmeal, or shaving cream on a play surface.

Acknowledge feelings. Talk to your spirited toddler about why he’s starting to melt down and let him know he’s not the only one who is overcome by difficult emotions sometimes. Try saying “The people and the noise are bothering you. They’re bothering me too. We’ll leave the mall as soon as we’ve paid for these shoes.”

Even if he doesn’t seem to learn much from what you say at this age, explain it to him anyway. (Just don’t become angry with him when your perfectly logical explanations don’t result in his quick compliance.) Toddlers usually aren’t able to change their behavior in response to verbal reasoning, but this exercise will help you empathize with your child. And eventually he’ll learn to recognize what winds him up before he goes over the edge.

Reward good behavior. Don’t worry that your spirited toddler will get a big head if you praise him. Reinforce his efforts with positive messages: “Good job getting out of the tub when I asked you to” or “You really used your quiet voice at Peter’s house today.” Try to never pass up a chance to praise the behavior you’re trying to teach.

Set realistic expectations. The many daily transitions adults take for granted – getting out of the house, in and out of the car, to daycare, to the store, home again, going to bed – are especially hard on a spirited toddler, who needs extra time to cope with change and who may become overwhelmed by people and noise.

“The average 2-year-old has spent 500 hours in a car,” says Kurcinka. “Ask yourself, ‘Can I expect my toddler to handle this?'” And when possible, skip unnecessary transitions and demands: Do you really have to make that last stop or could it wait?

Try not to label. Most important of all, examine the way you describe your toddler. The “wild child” who is “stubborn,” “exhausting,” and a “crybaby” is also a spirited child who is persistent, energetic, and sensitive — all traits that are admired in adults. Use positive labels when discussing your child with relatives and teachers, and they’ll come to see his wonderful attributes too.

And with increased self-esteem, your spirited child will want to learn to behave well. You’ll know you’re on the right track when your 3-year-old announces to Grandma, “I had lots of energy today!” instead of saying, “I was a bad boy.” When you focus on your child’s positive features and strengths, it changes your behavior, and that in turn changes your child’s behavior.

Take care of yourself. You may find it difficult, if not impossible, to announce that you need more time for yourself. But the house doesn’t have to look perfect and the dinners don’t have to be gourmet. If it’s already midnight and you’re exhausted, leave the dishes in the sink. Rest or take a bubble bath when your child naps instead of vacuuming the living room. Take full advantage of your time at night after your toddler goes to sleep to connect with your
partner or a friend, or to do some relaxing activity on your own.

Most important of all, says Kurcinka: “Build a support system. You can’t do this seven days a week, 24 hours a day.” Your child will benefit when you’re revitalized, and so will you. Whether it’s your spouse, a friend, a relative, or a babysitter, find a consistent caregiver whom you and your child can trust and let them help out.

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