The grieving process – Life can be measured only by the experiences we accumulate on this earth. By its very nature, life is a potpourri of events that are filtered through our emotional, physical, mental and spiritual selves. The purpose of life is to learn to appreciate these various aspects of ourselves. As we experience life’s ups and downs, hopefully we grow in the knowledge and wisdom of ourselves as loving, spiritual beings.
An important and painful part of the life experience is grief, which is a natural consequence of loss. Invariably, it is a part of life. The degree of pain and discomfort associated with grief will vary depending on the degree of the loss and our relationship with the loss, whether it is a loved one, circumstance, or a pet. Each person is impacted differently and reacts in his or her own distinct way.
In my first book, Talking to Heaven, I detailed the initial reactions one goes through during a loss. Now I would like to expand on that list and incorporate within it the stages of grief.
THE STAGES OF GRIEF
When reviewing and using these stages as a reference, you should realize that all of them are healthy, and each stage may be experienced in different ways and at different time. There are no rules or set regimen that accompany these feelings or stages. A person may get stuck in one stage and not be able to move on to the next. Quite frequently these stages may even blend together, or one may experience several stages of grief at different periods of time. Every person has his or her own agenda and timetable from which to work, and therefore each will experience the various stages in a unique way. One must have patience and realize that grieving is a process. We are all”works in progress” on our journey through life, and nothing can be accomplished overnight.
Many go through grieving on their own, but there are also those who cannot cope and need help or guidance from others. A therapist, facilitator, family member or friend can play an important part in your healing process. These outside helpers can encourage you to keep going, and share in your inner thoughts and feelings. So many times, all that a person needs is to talk to someone. He or she is not looking for someone to judge or talk back, but merely to listen. Listening helps grieving person to verbalize or to express his or her hurt. And even though the situation of loss varies, such as losing a spouse to losing a job, the process is the same. Again, the degree to which we are affected will depend on how deeply we feel the loss.
SHOCK
The first reaction to a loss is total disbelief. A person is rarely prepared for the event, and is takes him or her completely by surprise. Your world is thrown upside down, and you feel completely out of control. Whether the death is a sudden one or caused by a long, lasting illness, the shock of finality remains the same. The news of a loss can paralyze even the strongest among us. The emotional overload is so great that you feel as if you were hit by a truck.
This first stage of grief is a time when we usually cannot understand the impact of what has just happened and cannot fathom it as being real. We are stunned.
We feel ourselves going numb. Just as the body goes into shock after a severe accident, the mind goes into shock in order to deal with extreme emotional upheaval. In our minds, we may say phrases over and over again like, I can’t believe it, or He couldn’t be dead, or This couldn’t be happening. It is important to realize that you are not going crazy, and that your response is indeed normal. Your shock could last from as little as a few hours to as much as a few months. You may feel as if you are living through a real-life nightmare as you keep repeating, It can’t be true. The numbness is temporary, but the shock can go on for some time.
When people are in shock, many times they act like robots, as though they are just going through the motions. One will often lose a sense of awareness of doing everyday tasks. Also, it is quite common to go through memory lapses. Even minor things that you take for granted seem to fade away. We may misplace items or forget details. People talk to us, but we don’t hear what they are saying. We can’t make any plans for tomorrow, never mind the future. It’s as if our bodies are going through slow motion. These reactions are all part of the intense shock you are feeling.
Shock is more or less a defence mechanism. When we are not able to deal with our emotional state at the moment, shock takes over to help us get through the few days following the devastating event so that we do not feel the full impact of the death of changed circumstances. After the shock and numbness begin to wear off, we then begin to understand the reality of the situation. But we will still find ourselves saying, I can’t believe it. That is because we are dealing with a situation that is totally different, and we still have to get used to a new way of life.
DENIAL
Denial is a close associate of shock. These two reactions almost emerge in tandem with each other. Denial, like shock acts as a buffer to the reality of the situation. When we are in denial, we are prevented from dealing with the feelings of our new found condition. Because we are so used to the people in our lives, or old patterns and situations, when something changes, we don’ want to accept it. Instead, we deny its existence. The longer we are in denial, the longer we avoid facing our grief.
There are different levels of denial, depending upon the relationship the aggrieved has had with the loss. Denial remains a part of our live until we are able to acknowledge our loss and go through grief. Many who stay in denial begin to find other ways to numb their pain, using alcohol and drugs. In the case of divorce, some people jump right into another relationship and don’t give themselves the time necessary to go through the grieving process. They stay in denial because they do not want to deal with all the pain and sadness of their ordeal.
When bad situations arise, it is quite common to find other distractions or fantasies to keep our minds busy. This, too, keeps us from confronting our pain. We pretend that if we don’t think about something, it will go away, and everything will get back to normal. We play mind games with ourselves. Sooner or later we have to wake up from our fantasy if we want to get on with our lives. The longer we stay in denial, the more or game becomes a cruel nightmare. Eventually, reality does set in.
I know we live in a society built on escapism and fantasy. Denial seems like a good way to deal with many of the unpleasant issues existing in our world. We don’t like to think of them and would rather avoid them altogether. We don’t like feeling helpless and hopeless. It’s not the agenda that society advocates. No one teaches us what to do, or how to feel of behave, when life-altering changes occur. We are not supposed to appear weak or vulnerable. Heaven forbid if we should cry. These are sings of character flaws that make the rest of us cringe. This type of behaviour is unacceptable, and we don’t want to expose ourselves to the demands of this world when we’re not at our best. It is no wonder that so many of us would rather deny or pain and sorrow than go through it.
When we deny a situation, we cover up the pain and act as if everything is normal. Yet we must feel the pain in order to begin to heal. When we refuse to feel the pain, we also numb ourselves from other emotions such as love, joy, laughter, which make life bearable and enjoyable. You need to feel all emotions, whether negative or positive, in order to quickly get on the road to healing from your loss. When a person’s denial becomes so acute that he or she refuses to face life as it is, or does not want to live the new reality, a therapist is needed. Only a professional can really assist someone in this disconnected state.
BARGAINING
It is common to begin to bargain prior to a loved one’s death, asking God to please spare his life in return for a changed behaviour of some sort. I will give up smoking, or I will go to church from now on. Bargaining occurs right after a loss as well. It is a phase we use as a way to control a situation. Bargaining is another type of defence mechanism. I have worked with people who are so deeply in shock and denial about a death that they actually go on living their lives as though nothing has happened. They live in a suspended reality. One woman continued to make her husband’s dinner night after night, thinking that he would be coming home to eat it. She even talked to him as though he were in the room with her. This conversation would continue every day. Another woman kept waiting for her dead child to walk through the door. Every time the phone or doorbell rang, she ran to answer it, expecting it to be her child. She thought that maybe there had been a mistaken identity, and her child would return any day. In her mind she thought that God would give her child a second chance at life.
Bargaining is quite common when a person is not present at the time of death, or is away during the funeral. In these instances, one does not see the death with his or her own eyes, and therefore continues to believe that it did not really happen. He or she never said good-bye.
Bargaining is also used in situations such as divorce or being laid off from a job. A person makes a promise to God that if he or she behaves a particular way, then everything will be reversed, or the scenario will be prevented by some miraculous occurrence. Despite the cruel reality, though, time cannot be turned back. Bargaining like denial, keeps us from facing reality. Many people believe that a miracle will happen, and they try to bargain with God in the hope that by turning over a new leaf, the situation will return o normal. Sometimes the shock of loss can become too much to bear, and we resort to this kind of reasoning.
Bargaining temporarily comforts some people as they ease into the truth of the situation. This stage of grief and loss is normal to a certain point, but if it continues too long, it can deter your healing and your ability to move on with your life. I know some people who go in and out of this stage for years. However, if you live in an illusionary world where denial and bargaining are totally encompassing, you begin to detach from the reality around you. One must be an active participant in life to all levels-physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
ANGER
Try to remember that last time you were in a situation in which you felt that no matter what you did, you couldn’t get out of it. Did you feel powerless? Or was there a sense that it was out of your control and that these was some other force involved? He sense of being powerless and out of control are characteristics of feeling angry. It is very common to be angry when someone dies because death is the one event that we cannot control.
First of all, your anger is directed at those who you fell are responsible for placing you in your particular situation. You are angry at the deceased for leaving you to fend for yourself. A husband or wife is angry at each other for causing a divorce. You are angry at the boss who has just fired you. You say to yourself, how could you do this to me? Second, you blame God for the untimely situation. You feel victimized some unseen power that wants to punish you. How would God rob this life from me, or place me in this horrible situation? Finally, you are angry with yourself. I could have done something to keep her alive. I should have known better. How could I have gotten myself into this awful situation?
In my work I have often dealt with people who were very angry over the death of a loved one. Often they feel abandoned. He left me with a mess. She had no right to leave me alone. Some of the anger is due to financial difficulties, particularly if the deceased was in charge of the money. Some anger is aimed at doctors or the hospital staff for not taking better care of the deceased when he or she was alive. Some are angry with themselves for not being good enough to their loved ones. I didn’t tell her I loved her enough. I complained too much when he was alive. A survivor may display this anger in many ways, such as temper tantrums outbursts. Or the anger can be turned inward against oneself, creating depression or despair.
Some people stay in a state of anger for extended periods, and some tend to be angry for the rest of their life. It is okay to feel angry for a while. In fact, it is quite normal. Even though it is not pleasant to feel this way, it is part of the process. We have a right to be upset. We have to be able to express ourselves, so expressing anger is healthy. So often people feel they shouldn’t be angry and repress their feelings of powerlessness. As long as we repress or keep down our unexpressed anger, the longer it stays inside our bodies. Usually, it will surface in the body as disease or some from disability. You must remember that the body will only produce what is fed into it. If you store resentment and anger, they can also show up in other areas of your life. They may affect your relationship with others. They may diminish your capacity to work efficiently and achieve success. You may get depressed a lot, so you start to take some sort of drugs to feel better. One day you wake up and don’t understand why your life is such a mess.
If you are able to trace back your feelings, you may find that you have never expressed your anger for a situation in which you felt out of control. You have never let your anger out.
Anger is the one emotion that is definitely evident in a person’s interactions with other people. We can feel someone’s anger intuitively. I see it in my work all the time. Sometimes a person will yell at someone or will scream for no apparent reason. He or she is not even aware that such an outburst is really covering up deeply rooted pain. The more a person bottles up her feelings, the more likely she is set to explode. This could lead to devastating consequences. This is true especially for teens whose friends die untimely deaths. If they are not equipped to deal with their anger, they may express it violently. That is why it is so important to allow everyone, including children and teens, to talk about their feelings. Unexpressed grief in teens, especially in males, can lead o deadly massacres and gang violence.
It would be better if we all learned to let out our anger without hurting others. There are many safe ways to express anger. Physical exertion and activity is one way to help move this type of energy out of the body. If you are angry at someone, it’s okay to tell them without “going ballistic”. It’s also okay to go off somewhere and scream. I tend to let off steam in the privacy of my own room. We must vent our anger; otherwise it will turn into rage. And we all know how rage is acted out in our society. When our anger is released, we feel relieved. We got it “off our chest”.
If you are on the receiving end of a verbal attack or alienation, you must realize that an individual is in some sort of pain. You are merely helping him or her to let off steam. Dealing with someone else’s anger can be intimidating to most of us, especially if we don’t know how to handle our own feelings of inner conflict. Remember that you don’t need to defend yourself. If you retaliate against another, you just escalate the other person’s aggression into more anger. My favourite way to handle feelings of anger when someone provokes me is to count slowly to ten. I find that it lessens the emotional energy that I am feeling and allows me the time to take control of my thoughts and feelings once again.
GUILT
Another very common reaction to loss is guilt. Most people do not realize that guilt is a genuine phase of grieving. Often people will feel as though they have failed in a duty or an obligation, or that they have done something wrong. Another aspect of guilt is self-blame. For instance, when a mother and father lose a child, they frequently feel as though they were responsible for the child’s death. This might be unrealistic but true nevertheless. The parents become overwrought with guilt. I once did two readings back to back at a conference in Phoenix, Arizona, and both cases involved the death of a child. The first girl was killed in a car accident, and the second was a boy on a motorcycle hit by a car. In both instances the fathers felt guilty for the death. They felt they should have warned their children somehow, or kept them out of harm’s way. Because parents are a child’s protectors, when a child dies, they automatically feel as though they did not do a good enough job. These two parents really believed that they were at fault.
When the spirits of their children came through, they told their fathers that there was nothing that they could have said or done to stop the accidents from happening. “You couldn’t warn me enough about the accident,” said the girl to her father. “It was something I had to go through, and there was nothing you could do to prevent it. “In addition, parents always feel they should die first. It’s logical, of course, but we have to keep in mind that we are on a spiritual journey. Life is not limited to the material world. Even so, a child’s death always feels like a personal failure to a parent. Their gilt usually turns into feelings of worthlessness and condemnation.
Guilt is even more profound when you are part of the tragedy that took someone’s life. This is known as “survivor’s guilt.” For instance, someone you love died in a car accident while you were at the wheel. When people are involved in any type of disaster, like plane crashes, shootings, bombings, etc., the grief of the survivors is enormous. They damn themselves. Why didn’t I sit in that seat? I lived a long life, why didn’t I go instead? She was a good person. It should have been me. Survivors feel guilty because they are alive while someone else passed away. There is the added pressure from members of the deceased’s family who will end to secretly blame the survivors for surviving.
Often when loved ones die, many issues are left unresolved. We wish we could have told the person how sorry we were for something we said or did in the past. We feel guilty that we didn’t keep our promises. We should have made some sort of reconciliation beforehand. We rack our brains with if only this or if only that. Many times we feel guilty over insignificant details. He always loved chocolate ice cream. Why didn’t I get it for him more often? We somehow equate he chocolate ice cream with prolonging life or perhaps making the end more bearable. We must be careful not to manipulate our thoughts into guilt.
That is why we must have a clear understanding of the reasons behind our thoughts.
Many times people feel guilty because they were not present when a loved one passed over. This comes up a lot in my readings. Most of the time a spirit chooses to leave when no one is around anyway. It is rare, if ever, that spirits blame others for not being with them at the end. Death is always a choice, not an accident waiting to happen. There is no need to burden ourselves with guilt about this.
People also feel guilty about feeling happy or relieved about a situation. This shouldn’t happen to me; I am not worthy of it. These self-criticisms and doubts always impair our self-image and have long-lasting and damaging effects throughout our lifetime.
Blaming ourselves for a death of any other dreadful situation that occurs in our lives is common. We wring our hands and pull our hair. We curse our shortcomings and repeat our ‘should-haves.” We feel guilty because we think that by doing so, something will change. Perhaps if we can rationalize why a person died, or why we lost the house, or why we got cancer, we can create reasons for putting the blame on ourselves. Then we can punish ourselves for something we feel we could have prevented. This is the trouble with guilt.
In all these circumstances, we need to properly and honestly evaluate our situations, and see if we are creating unrealistic scenarios and feeding more into them than exists. Can we move on? It is time to let go of a relationship or situation in our lives? We must decide without prejudice or blame. Feeling guilty over something that has passed will not change it.
Having guilt will certainly hamper your progress in healing your heart. Instead, try to look at the situation objectively for what it is. Ask yourself, What lesson am I learning form this? How will it change my life? Will I be a more compassionate and loving person because of it? In the end, ask yourself if this newly discovered knowledge would help someone else. If it can, then you are choosing to heal your life rather than wallow in guilt.
SADNESS AND DEPRESSION
Sadness is the emotion most apparent after a loss. We experience the depth of despair and he lowest of lows. We begin to close ourselves off from social interaction. We place ourselves in a self-imposed isolation where we feel all alone and totally helpless. We fall into a depression of sorts. This is one of the hardest stages to go through, and one that many last a considerable time. Often sadness and depression are undercurrents that run through the entire grieving process. We realize that the person we lost, whether it is a spouse, a relative, a friend, or a child, will no longer be with us physically. We know that we will never see our loved one again. We wonder, how will I go on? The same is also true when we lose a pet, our home or job, or someone close gets terrible illness. Sadness and sorrow fill or hearts. We recognize that a situation has been changed, and life will never be the same way again. Whatever was comfortable and familiar is gone. It becomes difficult to go back home and begin living all alone, or rearranges our lives to take care of an elderly parent. We wonder why life is so hard. We may feel as if we are drowning and no one is around to throw us a life preserver. We think about our own mortality, our own desires, and our future. Does life have any real meaning? What are we here for? We find ourselves feeling weary about many things, but have no way to change them. It is important that one recognize signs of depression and be able to honestly come to terms with what one is experiencing. Mild depression is normal during the grieving process. It means you are feeling and reacting to a loss.
Depression can take over lives especially if we have no spiritual centre inside ourselves. If we have no true spiritual understanding of the meaning of life and death, we will find ourselves struggling to come to terms with our loss. This is the time to develop our spiritual identities. At the back of the book you will find exercises and mediations that will help you to focus.
Depression becomes harmful when it lingers for too long. A person can walk around like a zombie, or become a recluse. Again, when any stage of grief becomes totally encompassing, our ability to function as active participants in life will stop. So, too, will our healing. One has to realize that unhealthy grieving is retardant to the spirit. We must remember that we are still alive, and therefore will still have a purpose to fulfil. God makes no mistakes. The following are some of the symptoms of severe depression:
- Loss of interest that once were part of your life
- Drastic change in diet and sleep patterns
- Frequent and uncontrollable outburst of crying
- The need to be totally alone
- Withdrawal from all social activities
- Feelings of absolute hopelessness and helplessness
- Thoughts of suicide
When we are in severe depression, getting help can be very difficult. That is why it is necessary to have a support person or group in our lives.
PHYSICAL MANIFESTATION OF GRIEF
Fear and anxiety are part of the grieving process also. Fear is something one doesn’t expect to encounter, because sadness and sorrow fill so much of one’s days. But we do become anxious and fearful without our spouse or partner or friend. After the loss of a home or job, we may become afraid of the dark, or fearful of taking any type of risk. Life is like a mirror. It reflects back to us what we put into it. Constant fear and worry usually manifest in the body through a variety of physical symptoms and ailments such as these:
- Loss of appetite
- Dizziness and fainting
- Heart palpitations
- Loss of memory and concentration
- Insomnia
- Headaches
- Dry mouth
- Stomach cramps
- Elimination problems
- Sweaty palms
- Lack of daily hygiene
- Inability to swallow
- Muscular aches and pains
When we go through some sort of trauma in our lives, our bodies naturally react in a variety of ways. It is normal to feel apprehensive or anxious during the grieving process. We are uncertain and confused. We may even feel panicky. These feelings are all normal. We have been through a very difficult ordeal. One woman wanted reading with me, but she could not leave her home after her husband’s death. She had been married at the age of eighteen, and was separated only one day from her husband in thirty years of marriage. Her self-esteem was so closely tied to her husband that she felt she had lost her identity. Her role as wife, partner, and lover was over. “Who am I.” she asked. She became confused and disoriented and developed agoraphobia. She had difficulty sleeping and eating as well. She was too afraid to step outside, so she couldn’t go back or work, and there was great financial strain placed on her family. These symptoms persisted for about a year as she grieved the loss of her beloved husband. Little by little, with the help of friends and her children, some of her confidence began to return, and her fear began to subside. Today, she has a new job and is doing much better.
It is important to realize that our physical symptoms are actually part of our emotional state. One cannot exist without the other. The butterflies in the stomach, the dry throat or mouth, insomnia, etc., are manifestations of the sadness, fear, guilt, and anxiousness one feels as part of his or her grief. If we have lost a child, we become anxious for our other children’s welfare. If we have lost a job, we become fearful that we might become homeless, or worse, that we will be shunned by our friends and neighbours. These thoughts of doom and gloom are for the most part unrealistic, yet they seem real enough at the time.
As you express your feelings and process the various stages of grieving, you will begin to feel some relief. A good cry can help you work through your sadness and fear. Talking to friends and neighbours will help to ground yourself into reality. Remember that these feelings are temporary, and you are not going crazy.
ACCEPTANCE
Acceptance is the final goal of the grieving process. When we come to this stage, we are acknowledging the situation for what it is. We need to accept the loss so that we can heal our wounds and move on with our lives. It does not mean, however, that we necessarily find it agreeable, or that we are finished grieving. We are still experiencing stages of loss and grief, and we will fall back from time to time into depression, guilt, and other feelings again. We go in and out of the grieving process. There are no se rules or time limits.
With acceptance one comes to the understanding that life is given to us with a certain amount of situations that we cannot control or change. At this point we can look at life, and the people and situations in it, in a new way. Hopefully, we have gained knowledge and wisdom from our future in order to benefit ourselves and others. By accepting our loss, we have begun the process of resolution. We may re-evaluate our lives and as ourselves, what has this situation taught me? What opportunities has it brought my way? How different am I now?
At this stage we can reinvest in ourselves and our futures. We can proceed with the realization that our loved one has died, or the situation is over, and without diminishing the sadness or heartache we feel, we can turn our focus to living life. We may decide o sell our house and move to a new location. We may decide to return to college or change our occupation. We may let go of friends and acquaintances that were negative or invalidating in their relationship with us. We may decide to volunteer at the grief-support group that has helped us in many ways. We may decide to take more walks or spend more time in nature. Whatever we decide, we will find that there are opportunities born out of our loss, and although life cannot return to what it once was, there are still things for us to do while we inhabit this classroom called earth.
ASSESSING YOUR PROGRESS
During the grieving process your reactions to situations are magnified. Depending on my factors, like diet, sleep, work, stress, etc., you may feel out of control one moment and numb the next. There may be times when outside help is necessary. A friend, a neighbour, a relative, or a support group is extremely valuable. Remember that you will not get a new attitude overnight. Besides, it is important to create a support system to assist you during those times when things seem darkest. The more isolated you are, the more difficult the grieving, and the slower the healing process. If negative behaviour dominates your behaviour, professional help may be necessary. Unhealthy grieving emerges as excessive drinking or drug taking; chronic health problems like ulcers and headaches; compulsive behaviour patterns like spending too much money, or overeating; violence; frequent nightmares; and constant thoughts of suicide.
If these problems persist, please seek help from your local doctor, therapist, minister, rabbi or priest. Most hospitals and churches can assist you in finding help through their grief-counselling services. Sometimes a group situation is extremely beneficial because you are able to learn from others going through the same torment. Also, there are a variety of websites now available for grief support, and I have listed various organizations at the end of the book for your information. We all need little help to get us back on track.
As you read through the next part of the book, you will find that the grieving process varies with each individual situation. No matter where you are in your process, I hope that the healing words from my readings which have been a source of comfort and renewal for many will help you in your hour