Traits of Narcissism – The most massive (and initially devastating) realization that’s necessary to assimilate, in order to pull away and create authentic love, is that the narcissist is incapable of genuine love and empathy. His purpose for creating a love relationship is for two reasons. Firstly to secure narcissistic supply (attention), and secondly to have an outlet to project his internal pain and torture onto. Relationship partners who are hooked and ‘hang on’ make the perfect subjects to abuse.

Additionally many narcissistic are very ‘loose’ and struggle to do the necessary tasks in life, such as be accountable for bills, and play by the rules. Love partners who have good integrity, ethics and are solid citizens grant them the safety net of survival in society. Narcissists believe that being accountable and ‘solid’ makes them disgustingly ‘normal’. Mundane tasks that don’t offer narcissistic supply are avoided and even resented.

The classic bully is an archetype of the narcissist. The bully is a person who takes their own needs primarily by charm or intimidation. To the outer world this person may appear incredibly assertive, confident, charismatic, powerful and self-assured. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Narcissism is a grave condition of insecurity and desperately feeling unloved and unacceptable. An individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder inherently believes they are ‘damaged goods’ and fears other individuals will discover the truth: that they feel powerless. Thus the narcissist invests a great deal of energy into ‘gaining the upper hand’, to hide feeling vulnerable, insecure and broken. When they are getting what they want, the charm is flowing and plentiful. When the charm doesn’t work the intimidation begins. Narcissism is categorized as an unhealthy level of self-absorption and a lack of empathy regarding how their insecure, aggressive and damaging behavior affects the world around them.

Sadly, when many women realize that the narcissist is insecure and isn’t reassured, she’ll try harder to love him. Additionally he’ll blame his behavior on something that you are or aren’t doing, and as women we may try to ‘do it better’ or ‘get it right’. Your increased efforts to love him and make him happy only lines you up for more abuse.

The narcissist pathologically believes he is a God onto himself; yet he knows he needs people to gain a ‘mirror’ (feedback) in order to know he exists. The narcissist’s inner landscape is dead without attention, yet conversely he despises being reliant on attention from anyone he believes is less than him (which is everyone). The more you grant him attention / efforts / energy, the more he’ll want to punish you for his dependence on you. Be very clear being needed by him is not love.