In the myth of Narcissism, the hero fell in love with his own reflection. On the surface it may seem he was madly in love with himself. But look deeper. He was in love with his reflection. This reflection was not his true self. The very fact he fell in love with the illusionary part of himself meant he was not capable of loving his true self. To escape these disowned ‘unacceptable’ parts a narcissist scripts and creates an image of himself that he can tolerate.

This image is a grandiose version, a version of him that is admired, adored and respected by and in control of others. He needs to be unique and he hates to be one of the crowd or ‘normal’. In order to maintain this image the narcissist will go out of his way to be noticed, admired and liked by others.

He is very capable of procuring admiration by offering his skills and services and boasting about his talents and accomplishments. To glean praise from others he will appear very helpful and generous. This is initially, and only to people who are not in his common and familiar life. Thus an individual connected with a narcissist long term is confused and very misunderstood by the acquaintances who proclaim that ‘he’s a great guy’, when living with a ‘street angel / home devil’.

Interestingly many of these acquaintances will be temporary and short lived. As soon as the narcissist is not receiving the initial praise and recognition he craves, the relationship will dry up, or the narcissist will disappear fearful that the individual will discover the truth. In many cases the relationship being based on ‘false currency’ (non-genuine giving) simply doesn’t survive.

It’s virtually impossible for a narcissist to ‘hang out’ with people in normal and relaxed ways. If he’s not the centre of attention he feels either ‘dead’ (manically depressed) or intense feelings of rage. The narcissist needs the stimulus of narcissistic supply as a constant drug, and long-term relationships cannot offer this. Acquaintances and associates that he can charm, dazzle and impress are perfect sources. Narcissists feel the need to be out in life mining fresh sources regularly. This is why when things seem relaxed and serene with the narcissist for a few hours, he’ll either create mayhem (by attacking your weakest points), or he’ll have to take off into the world again for his drug.

“I recall times with my ex-narcissist, that he would pathologically lie and create stories that related to my ‘weak link’ of being accused of giving other men attention. We would be sharing a day together, and everything was calm, and then he would tell me (whilst driving home) that there was a man in the corner of a store that I couldn’t keep my eyes off. It always worked, I would become incensed, outraged or go into total despair. This would inevitably occur after a few hours of just him and me when he couldn’t mine supply from the outside world. Now I know I wasn’t going mad – there was no man there, he made the whole thing up in order to trigger me off and gain narcissistic supply!” ~ Melanie Tonia Evans

Maybe you can relate to being ‘attacked’ at the mark that hurts you the most. Maybe the pieces are starting to come together for you…